The Second Night of Chanukah

Tonight is the second night of Chanukah and I just completed my lighting of the Menorah. I never even dreamed that I would be back in Los Angeles, yet here I am lighting a menorah for the first time since I vowed never to return to this city. Yet against all odds, I am back in the place where I was raised from the time I was 12 years old until I left to Israel when I was 20. I have to say that when I went to Israel, I thought all of life's issues would magically disappear and I would be able to begin again a new life there free from the worries and concerns I so desperately wanted to leave behind, and for a time in Israel, I was able to leave the worries and concerns caused by a very stressful home life behind. Then two years into my time in Israel, I was reminded just how closely the problems from home remained even though I was almost half way across the world. By June of 1997, I said goodbye to both of my parents and I also said goodbye to the light that we burn on Chanukah that represents eternal hope even in the darkness of our deepest struggles.

I fought the good fight for another five years, but Israel is an impossible place to live without the light of the menorah burning constantly in your heart. I left my Judaism behind in Israel because I assumed that once the light from the menorah stopped burning in my heart, it was never meant to burn again. I thought that the light was taken from me because somehow I was undeserving and that I had failed in my mission to bring light into this world. These were very difficult and very sad years for me because so many times I looked deep into my soul for the Chanukah light to guide me through the darkness and all I found were tears where once the fire strongly burned.

Chanukah is a holiday that expresses the idea of God doing for us what we are unable to do for ourselves. It is the time of year that we remember that we were very close to giving up what is most precious and most important to us: our Torah and the belief that God can lead us in any battle that we choose to fight. But sometimes, the forces of darkness appear so strong and so oppressive that we are tempted to give in to simply experience a moment when our souls are no longer that battle ground in which the forces of light and darkness choose to stage their war. I know from personal experience that there are times I want to be left alone from the daily grind of this struggle and to simply be allowed to live hibernating in some dark hole far away from it all. I also know that I have the power to choose not to live like this and instead let the light of Chanukah guide my way towards hope and eternal love.

This year, Chanukah is very special to me because I have the opportunity to heal past wounds that have been allowed for too long to take my light away. It is time to forgive the wrong doings of those who wronged me so that I may no longer wrong the ones I love in retaliation for misdeeds that occurred in the past. I have realized that forgiveness is not about forgetting or condoning the actions of other people, rather it is the light that burns in the menorah of my heart.